Pressing On: Twitch, twitch. . .

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Twitch, twitch. . .

Anyone who tells you that homeschooling is not stressful is lying, or they have perfect children, or they know everything about education, human beings, and the government red-tape that goes along with it. Or they have no idea what they are talking about.

I do not know how NOT to be overwhelmed at times at the choices and responsibilities I perceive are mine, being the sole provider of education to my children. Many, make that many, many, many times I have needed to deep breathe for a moment to avoid freaking out (anyone remember that scene in Jerry Macquire?), or collapsing in despair, or physically hurting myself or others: when it seems like all the wheels have come off at once and no one - and I mean not one person in the whole house - is doing remotely what they are supposed to be, including me; when the baby isn't napping so we can't do science; to when I shouldn't still be hiding in the bathroom pretending it will all go away. It is not a stretch to say that was a typical day not so many years ago.

Overwhelmed much? Oh, yeah.

I'm thankful to say we all lived through the chaos/bedlam/straightjacket years. Lived to tell the tales on a blog, commiserate with others, and to enter the "advise your children on life-altering decisions" phase.

A different sort of overwhelm - just as serious:
~Credits to graduate? Yeah, I think I remember what a credit is.
~Provincial exams? Oh, they don't do those anymore?
~You need a portfolio? What's a portfolio?
~You really, really should take a Science. I know you don't think you'll need it to XYZ, but you just should.
~No, I don't know how in the world you are going to get a second language credit.
~Graduating may not seem important now. . . but!!!
~I realize you don't want to finish this course, but it cost us $400 and untold amounts of planning. . .
~WHAT? You're 3 months behind in the first semester?!?!

Twitch. Twitch.

I know, I know, I'm not praying enough. I'm not trusting the Lord as I should. I need to put things in perspective by reading the Word. I know. Unfortunately, it's not only my children who are a work in progress. In my humanity, my weakness, my ability to see only darkly through the glass, these are weighty, stressful, important works over which I agonize - rightly or wrongly. It's not like I can blame the guidance counsellor...

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My Testimony

Well not really "my" testimony. It is a testimony to the saving power and grace of Jesus Christ, so it's His testimony.

SHORT VERSION:

Growing up in the Catholic Church, I became a born-again believer in 1993, at the age of 24.

MUCH LONGER VERSION:

Searching for Truth has been a part of my makeup since before my dad passed away 40+ years ago. I was almost eight, then, and not a day has gone by since that I haven't been on the hunt for what is True, worthy of pursuing, and worthy of living and dying for. I guess I've always been "deep" that way :)

I was attending the Catholic Church back when I was eight, and I sold out. Completely. If God was God, and He was as important as they were telling me, then I was going to learn every prayer, make the most ardent confessions, take communion with the purest soul, and be a nun. I even had a catechism teacher convinced I would be a saint one day.

When I look back I see what a strange creature I must have been! But I was absolutely sincere, and it boggled my mind as to why not everyone (grownups included) would not serve our Lord and His Church first and foremost--if that's what they claimed to believe. (Actually it still boggles.) So devout was I, that I won the award for being top of my seventh grade catechism class--a Bible.

The problems began when I started reading that Bible. And then I went to college. I was just finishing up the Old Testament and, being no less interested in the Truth, I pursued college courses in Philosophy, Anthropology, and Psychology (as well as Statistics and Algebra, but we won't go there). Things were not at all as I had expected.

I was shocked and disturbed to hear in my new classes that there were people, thinking people, who seemed to desire Truth as much as I, who did not hold a Catholic, Biblical, or even remotely Christian worldview. How could this be? Anybody who was sincerely after Truth would certainly discover that The Church held it. Wouldn't they?

Then I became even more shocked and disturbed. As I finished reading through the book of Revelation, (the last book of the Bible) I had to recognize that I had found no evidence for, and from what I could see, actually some direct contradiction to, most of the practices of the Catholic Church to which I'd been so devoted.

None of the these are found in the Bible:

Devotion to Mary.

Any mediator other than Jesus between man and God--including a priest.

Penance for reparation of sin.

Repeating prayers over and over (eg. the Rosary).

Calling another man "Father", as in spiritual father.

Confessing sins to another in hopes of absolution.

Any man being head of the Church.

and many more . . .

What?!?!??? I thought I must have missed it, I re-read. My mind became suspect. Hmmm. No wonder there was no emphasis in 15 years of church-going on having or reading a personal copy of the Bible.

It wasn't just the Church about which I became suspect; everything fell under my scrutiny. NO WAY was I going to believe grass was green just because it looked that way, and certainly not just because somebody told me it was. (In fact it's not green is it? It just reflects green, it's actually soaking in every other colour but green.) I entered a five-year period of chaos.

God was extremely merciful to me during this time. I did things which could have killed me, and things that could have affected me with besetting sin, or consequences that would have altered my life. I investigated other religions, I lived without God for a while (as much as one can) which was initially very liberating, but eventually confined me to what felt like insane circular thinking. God has used that time to continually convict me that the grass is not greener without Him, even if it looks that way. It's a mess of jumbled, muddy colours that cannot make sense or beauty.

Graciously, through odd and timely circumstances, God led me to a handful of select, sincere people from different walks of life who were all avidly seeking to walk the words of the Bible. After these years of seeking, and dead ends, and mistrust, and study, I had come to a reasonably firm conclusion that a) there was a powerful Creator responsible for the world (not profound, even Dawkins agrees with that! lol) and b) sheer evidence probably supported the God of the Jews if the idea of a "God" (versus merely some sort of "force") were to be entertained. I had done a lot of my homework but leery of committing to anything.

It took a long time -- over five years -- but on my 24th birthday in 1993, I took a terrifying leap-of-faith and turned it all over to the God of the Bible and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. For over 25 years I have actively put this Truth to the test and It has not failed me. I have failed It, but It, He, my Creator, stands steadfast, fulfilling His promises day-by-day to make me a new creature, a testimony, to His grace and power.