Expendable Me

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Expendable me. And you too.

George Washington's uniform as seen at the Smithsonian last year
I did not appreciate how expendable I really was until my diagnosis. We are all completely expendable - or else the world would stop turning when we leave it. Life is designed that way. No matter how important we appear to be/are told we are/think we are, life will go on without us. And if we are very lucky, we will leave behind a little ripple that stirs the surface of the water as it ebbs away.

I'm not trying to be morbid here, but the fallout from this idea has been stealing my zest for the last four years to varying degrees. I've found it very difficult to push on and care much at all about my responsibilities. It's very difficult to describe, but to jump straight to the low point, it was imagining how people would be talking about my husband's First Wife.... (meaning me):
"Kelly, she was lovely, but we are so happy Big D (hubby) has found Mrs. Big D2 to spend the rest of his life with - they are SO happy together. Oh, and the children LOVE her!"

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You can see how that is not a good place to be.

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How to combat this feeling of being utterly replaceable? Well, I guess, to "press on and count it all joy". Set my mind on things that are above (Col. 3:2) and love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength (Matt. 12:30). Easy to say.

"Pressing on" to me, looks like taking care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability. Setting my mind on things above means to remember that I am but dust. Loving Him with all that I am means that despite how things look, I trust that He is in control, and I live that way.

Ah, but theology in the everyday -what does that look like?

I'm a do-er. I like to do things, accomplish things, check things off my list! I just do. God built that deeply within me somewhere. But if I think someone is going to just come along and do all the things like I wasn't even there to begin with (like be my husband's wife!), then what is the value of doing anything? I am nothing if not practical. So, I'm trusting God and investing in things I've had a hard time with: school, food, finances, projects, sheer enjoyment...

Choosing to ignore the fact that I could very well be a Stage 4 cancer patient any day - completely ignoring it - and just doing what I enjoy doing, which is getting stuff done. It's easier to ignore when Dr.'s appointments are few and far between. I have to trust that when the time comes I'll handle it, but that time is not today.

I am expendable -you are expendable, but it is not our defining characteristic.

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